My boyfriend just told me to hurry up and get off m period lmfao. Hes tired of getting blueballs

Confession.

I think I don’t like my boyfriend enough to stay with him after graduation.

It’s too much, putting up with this situation. I hate it. I’m not always happy.

And partially because I know it would be easier to enter college without a boyfriend.

But am I selfish enough to drag him along, keep tugging at his heart, fool him into to telling me he loves me, and breaking it at the end?

Will I say I love you back when he says it to me?

Will it make me stay? Would it make a difference? Will it have any effect?

What do I want?

I will read over all of my tumblrs after I graduate for obtaining my Bachelor’s degree.

I’m fairly certain I will think I’m stupid, and annoying as a teenager. Lol jk I’m awesome.

No srsly, even now I think I’m a stupid annoying teenager.

www.tumblr.com/ironcoldheart

www.tumblr.com/suckmyoreos

I hate to admit, but I’ve grown a little to then accept:

• I don’t want my mom to be in a relationship.

Maybe want is the wrong word. My mother needs phychological help. She does. I’m not being a bitch, it’s not that she drives me crazy, upsets me to the point of tears, or cruelty in any way. She’s still messed up from the divorce. After getting married for more than 10 years and your beloved husband that was Christian and God was solid in your life, you and your kids and your happy little world only to be crumbled down to pieces, with your husband cheating with a male who’s HIV positive, having to move to get the kids out of any harm from an abusive male, and the end result of dealing with it is an eviction you talked yourself into. My mother always walks around the house, talking to herself, laughing to herself, repeating to herself about things, I think she pretends to have someone there, her age maybe, that would listen to her. My mother doesn’t have friends, so she talks to herself about her day. There’s that main reason and a few others. She’s a pig. She never cleans up after herself. She is the complete opposite of Punctuality. It’s not cuz she’s busy, its cuz she’s just like that. Which is something I’d be mad about.

Her new boyfriend is just my mother enjoying the attention from a man she hasn’t had in years. I’m sure she’d use the excuse of “I had kids, they wouldn’t have understood,” but truth is, I would have been a bitch in the sense of making her feel guilty when I needed something she put her bf in front me. But as I grow I would have not cared and wanted her to be happy. Plus, I’m sure someone would have slapped me and talked to me and explained how my actions are wrong and quite selfish.

Overall, her bf might leave her. I don’t wish it upon her, I just think once he moved in with her he would realize. I would love for my mom to fall in love, a man take care of her, take the weight off my shoulders, but I only see the possibility of my mother being hurt. She’s a big naive child. And maybe I’m heartless when it comes to my mother. I don’t know really know what drives me to hate her, but I do. I know my issues that I have with her, but I’m not really sure why. Maybe it’s just atm that I’m a bit heartless, bitter, and don’t believe in love. I know love exists, but I don’t believe it lasts forever..in a relationship. In friendship yes, but not in a committed relationship. I’ve seen couples last, like my uncle and Daniella’s parents. ..Maybe I’m saying I don’t believe someone could possibly fall in love with my mother. I don’t know what lead to that conclusion. I’m confused. I’m trying to get my thoughts straight in my head about them by writing it down.. It’s not that I crave my mother’s attention, I got over that. I have a barrier that is frequently let down, that she always disappoints me, extremely rare occasions that she comes through for me, but I have a barrier to never expect much from my mother, and it has never been … she’s never done something over the top to overcome that barrier for me to be surprised. I think if my mom showed up to my wedding Early, not on time, I would be impressed.

But anyhow, I do want my mom to be happy, if its this guy its this guy. I just honestly, don’t want to have to be the one to pick up the pieces. Me. 17-18 having to hold my 50 year old mother ??? No I’ll call down titi mili her sister. F. Idk if that would help tho, since my mother does envy her sister.

• I will probably be the one to stay and take care of my mother.

As I briefly went over taking care of my mom in the previous subject, I will probably be the one taking care of her when my brothers and I are grown up. Eric is a question mark, Brian wants to figure out his life, and I am the one that will feel guilty about not taking care of her. I don’t want to, Idrc but I know that’s most probably the obnoxious teenager in me speaking, pero I don’t want to. I think I will always be burdened with my mother all my life, and when I get married I won’t and I’ll feel super duper happy, but it won’t last long. My mother, something will happen for my happiness to die and I’m sure it will be her doing. LMAO wow. I said that. Previous events in life is what probably brought me to that confusion. UGh ..

• After Trent I am broken.

I think she has, and hope she hasn’t, but I think my bestfriend has noticed a change in my self. besides the spite against guys obviously. After Trent, I say I don’t care, mostly cuz I don’t, but I think the main reason is that I don’t want to hurt like that again. Not emotionally, but I hurt myself.  I don’t care about my hair, the way I look, clothes, makeup, my body’s image. I don’t want to be taken advantage over my body ever again so I want myself to be ugly so that it doesn’t happen again. I am ugly inside out. I feel like that often, but then again, it could be the teenager in me speaking. After Trent, I don’t want anyone to think of me attractive. Just decent in public. I don’t like it when a guy hugs me for too long or even stares. The exceptions are Nick Kris and Bobby. I just like holding hands. Like when all three would hold my hand when I’m scared. I only like comforting through hand holding. And sometimes hugs. Cuz I know and trust that those three guys.. um care about me enough not care about me physically and just genuinely care about my well-being.

After Trent, I constantly bite my nails, I don’t straighten my hair, I have eating and non eating habits, I don’t smile as much, I try faking happiness more often than I usually would. I can’t remember the last time I had long nails. I only straightened my hair once this summer, and it wasn’t like getting ready to go out straighten. I just wanted to see how long my hair grew. I remember wanting to get a haircut, but I’ve kept my hair long with split ends and wild. Apparently wild hair is liked among my generation. But it’s really just a symbol of my scar. I am more of a bitch, I don’t recall me doing any extra mile for anyone except Massiel or Daniella. I laugh too hard sometimes, like I want everyone to know I’m laughing so they assume I am happy and don’t ask me stupid questions like why I’m quite.

Trent didn’t break me, I let myself be broken..

i can feel them

i look up and see the disappointment they have in their eyes.

the shock that a girl like me

fell from grace.

it’s as if they lost all respect they had for me.

i feel dirty, and no matter how many times i scrub my skin, the girl in the mirror is a stranger.

she looks broken, sad, and frustrated.

i label her tainted, because of her sin.

she looks back at me with the deepest disappoinment in her eyes.

eyes full of regret, hate, and sorrow.

who knew..

i love

your hugs

your warm light brown eyes

your smile

the scent you give off

the way you make me smile so easily

whenever you go ‘pewpewpew’

your ass

your dimples

your soft hair

the way you laugh

the way you stare at me and make me squirm

whenever you squeeze my hand

your big warm hands

your fingers

your soft lips

the way you stomp your feet when your excited

the way you say ‘oh yeah?!’ to mock me

whenever you sing to me in your car

your strong arms

your sense of humor

your maturity

the way your eyes glow when you look into my eyes

the way you throw me like I’m a Frizbee

whenever you carry me

your honesty

your playful genuine heart

your immaturity

the way you try to showoff to impress me when it doesn’t even matter

the way you kiss me softly

every time you’ve whisper ‘iloveyou’ in my ear

.

..

…i

….i love you babe ;)

i dont think you can ever stop loving someone.

its not possible.

you’ll always care about them, wonder about them, and keep loving them.

its inevitable.

but you can start loving someone new, more, and be happy

be happy with anything everything, even if

it means you’re not in my life anymore.

May 5th 2011

Next Friday, May 13th will be my 6 months anniversary with my boyfriend, Armon. I love him very much and I’m surprised I’ve made it this far. I never grow tired of this kid. The only two things I see that could possibly end us is the strain of his family and the fact that I wish he knew God, Christianity. Sometimes I’m not comfortable speaking my thoughts cuz I know he hasn’t had that jesus connection/experience and therefore wouldn’t understand completely.

Those two things or if one of us cheated on each other, which I doubt I would do, and I’m fairly sure he wouldn’t do either.

And I’ve been rejected from my dream school UCF. I do not qualify academically. I don’t hate the school or any ridiculous nonsense like that. I just wish I tried harder and didn’t procrastinate as much as I’ve done. Idk what to do next tho. Obviously I’m going to continue my externship over the summer to earn my CMA certification, but after that I do not know. I could possibly stay in Miami, or go to a community college in Tampa or Orlando. Irdk. My ultimate goal is still there, just not with the sun and flowers I pictured it with. All this means is that I have to work harder and stop procrastinating.

Heavier Confession.

I don’t think or know if I’ll make it into my dream school.

I drowned myself with lies saying I was good enough, that I could make it, but with all my competition, I don’t think I’m good enough.

I’m so scared. I’m crying ever other day.

What if I’m not good enough?

It’s eating away at my soul.

Confession: December 13th 2010.

Today is my first month anniversary with Armon Gus Ahmadi. We met at Nick’s birthday party. We started talking after I was drunk at Bj’s Halloween Party. I like him, and he pretty much loves me. He likes me more than I like him anyhow.

Confession #1: I think/know I’m going to end up breaking Armon’s heart at some point cuz I don’t see myself marrying him. But then again, you never know.

Confession #2: I think I’m in “love” or strongly like one of my guy bestfriends, except he has a 2 year girlfriend. N and J.

Confession #3: If I get drunk with N in the room and J isn’t there, I will prolly smack him, have him pull me in so I don’t fall, I will slip onto his lap in a straddle, slip my tongue down his throat, and enjoy myself. I need to avoid this situation of ever possibly happening. Quite enjoyable, but I would hate myself. J is an amazing person who does not deserve that.

Confession #4: I doubt N and J will last after high school based off of what and where their futures are going to take them.

Confession #5: I sometimes think I’m better for N than J like overall for him, not in a conceited way, although that still is conceited. And that I’m better without Armon…or like too good for him. I feel like throwing up saying that.

Confession #6: I hate these confessions cuz it’s me admitting it.

..Will Massiel see me any differently if I told her?

Rescue me, my God, my King. The water is rising and I cannot breathe,

i want want want

to cry into my pillow.

but i wont. wont. wont.

cuz ill hate myself for it.

and i feel like shit, cuz i gave it up to you.

and idk, idc that we broke up just that i a lost something precious n didnt care much for it.

and ill sleep sleep sleep

until the pain subsides.

cuz i cant cant cant

let myself cry again.

and i want, the most in the whole world, to have my bestfriend hold me.

but theyre both wrapped up in their boyfriends, forget lil ole me.

i dont want to be a burden on anybodys shoulder.

i want i want i want

to tell you ‘i love you’

so so bad.

But, love sucks, it will go to shit eventually

and i want to keep my virginity

and telling you i love you might makes things move even faster?

well, it wont necessarily, its just one of my excuses to not tell you i love you cuz im chickenly out lol.

god, tmrw’s valentine’s day. its too cheezy to say iloveyou on this day >.<